I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
You Might Also Like
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem