When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
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Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.