It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
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Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Punctuation Matters. Period.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.