who will stop them
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I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
There is no try. There is only give up.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.