I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
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Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Fries, not lies.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.