My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
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All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy