Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
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Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
oh shit
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.