My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
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Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Me, reading some of your tweets
hi why am I like this
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.