Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
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The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Spa day..😅
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”