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Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice