You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
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Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
“HELP WITH CAT”