My love language is hissing.
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Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”