*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
You Might Also Like
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.