[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
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The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
My dad.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
What is going on? 😅
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”