Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
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Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza