today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
You Might Also Like
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”