*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
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Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery