I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
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Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
How it started How it’s going
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
What about a To-Don’t List?
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*