12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
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I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.