The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
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My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.