Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
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Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
the three branches of government
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
“our sushi is very fresh”
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets