*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
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The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Europe. Made in Germany.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.