WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
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Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Someone just threatened to call me later
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
i need a six-month vacation twice a year