Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
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“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Hello, my name is Pierre.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.