🚲+physics = winner
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I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
some Old Testament wisdom
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
🤯🤯🤯
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.