wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
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Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently