if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
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8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.