i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
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👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
he’s doing your taxes
I’m pretty like a car crash.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue