I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
You Might Also Like
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
This could’ve been an email.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
For anyone who needs this today
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it