Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
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I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Art by Pastelkatto
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training