Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
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Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.