TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
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Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”