Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
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I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
inside you are two wolves
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.