My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
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ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.