The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
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I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.