I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
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Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day