ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
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When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
finally
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer