*seductively peels off lederhosen
You Might Also Like
forgive me baja for i have blast
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.