ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
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Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
*orders delivery*
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids