Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
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Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Stop.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.