Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
You Might Also Like
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds