H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
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[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
my sentiments exactly
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.