In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
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Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.