Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
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My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
kevin is now a local weatherman
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.