GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
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“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?