My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
You Might Also Like
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.