No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
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So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
when someone rings the doorbell
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees