My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
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What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.