I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
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I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?