All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
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When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
The Friday File.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.